I am the Queen of disjointed thinking. I like your hat! :-D

Archive for January, 2010

This was my day:

Well there’s an exciting title!  I went to Pacific Fair this morning.  I got a hot chocolate, even though it was already 33 degrees.  The lady made polite conversation with me while she made my hot drink. “Anything planned for today?” she asked me with a smile.
“Nothing at all planned today.  Quiet one.” I lied.  I took my hot chocolate and walked away quickly.  I don’t like lying to people, even if the truth is none of their business.  The truth is that I had an appointment in Southport today (I am still in Southport now).  I told my uncle and most of my friends that the appointment was with a psychologist.  This is a safe half-truth.  Here, in the relative anonymity of the international-computer-webby-thing, I will tell the truth, which until now I have only told my Mum, and my very best friends: today I had an appointment with a sexual violence support counsellor.  I hated the thought of going there so much!  I didn’t hate the thought of the appointment, because I knew I’d see my counsellor, a very nice woman.  I just hated that to get there, I would have to go through Surfer’s Paradise, where the incident (which I cannot legally speak about) occurred.  I hate Surfers, which is sad, because I always loved it.  The absolute worst part of the whole thing is that it wasn’t some stranger, it was somebody I trusted.  I trust people.  I just do, and it should be ok to do that!  I hate to hate things, I hate to hate people and places!  I hate that bad things happen to good people.  I hate the word “victim” and I hate the word “survivor”.  Being called a victim makes me sick to my stomach, because every time I hear it I remember what happened.  Being called a survivor, I feel that is a lie, because I’m not through it yet.

I’m going home soon.  I’m dreading going through Surfers, and the traffic moves so slowly at this time of year.

Even some of my good friends think I was unaffected by what happened to me, because I can laugh and joke, and I can talk about sex, and I can have sex, but that’s not how it works.  I was already scary and broken and damaged, but now I’m scared I’ll never be fixed, and that’s the truth.

That was my day.  I have no more room for hate here, so

Signed with love,

The Pretty Kitty.

I’ve been thinking… and now my head hurts. I think.

I’ve been thinking about ex-boyfriend and his cutting me out of his life and all.  He asked me to stop “bad mouthing” him in public forums, or he would (cut me out of his life).  I didn’t alter my behaviour in any way, because I never spoke about him by name except in private, and so I saw no moral problem with what I was doing.  He did.

So anyway, I was thinking:  He was an ass to me most of the time, but it must have been difficult for him to be with me.  Let me explain:  I am not excusing his arse-holery.  I am not saying the things he did to me and said to me or said about me are ok.  I’m just saying that almost the entire time I was with him, he knew that as much as I loved him, I was never in love with him.  He knew I was in love with somebody else, and he was a distant second choice.

He knew I was in love with a woman, and had been for some time (I don’t know if I am, anymore.  I believe my opinion of her, although just as strong as always, has shifted to a different, more suitable dynamic).
Back on the other side, however, he also knew I was holding him up to the lies he’d told me about himself.  If all his lies had been true, I would have been in love with him, and would be still.

So that’s what I was thinking.

Signed with love,
The Pretty Kitty

Blog-tastic. I think.

The Pretty Kitty has moved house.  She lives here now.  She will now stop talking about herself in the third person.

I’ve changed over to a new blog because I want one that ex-boyfriend has never read.  For that reason I will not be updating my blog address on my Twitter page until I’m sure he’s stopped checking up on me.  I’m sorry for any inconvenience this will cause to my many fans. ;-P

I will keep this entry short.  Actually, I will keep this entry to this…

I hope you will continue reading my ramblings.

Signed with Love,

The Pretty Kitty.