I just went to Coles to buy lentils, and I started crying because I just couldn’t take it. Not the anxiety that normally bothers me, not the people all around, I was oddly ok with that. I couldn’t take the embarrassment. Fortunately (unfortunately??) relentless bullying since I was three years old right through school and a bit beyond has made me the best secret crier ever, so I was able to limit further embarrassment.
I’m not embarrassed because of anything I’ve done or anything I do, I’m embarrassed because of how I look. I’ve always been self conscious because of how I look; I find myself really hideously ugly. I’m not fishing and I don’t want it contradicted. Beauty is an incredibly personal thing, and I happen to find myself very ugly. But I’ve never been embarrassed by how I look, that’s a very different thing. I’d never chosen how I look, so I had nothing to be embarrassed about. I’ve chosen now. I made a decision. I chose to get very visible, always there braces on my teeth. I decided to do this to myself. I decided to do it not because of how I look but because one day I’d like to be able to speak without my stray eye tooth scraping my mouth and making me sore and sometimes making my mouth bleed. I want to be able to chew my food. I really don’t care about how my teeth look, I accept that I am ugly.
People keep trying to comfort me about my braces by saying things like, “It will be worth it! You’ll look so much better!” Why would you just call me ugly like that?! I already know! I don’t need you to tell me!
Sometimes I try to make the most of it. I got pink bands on last month because I knew I had a nail polish exactly the same colour. I wear a lot of bright colours in a futile effort to distract people from my face, so really I can match any band colour if I put my mind to it. For a little bit of fun, I took this picture and posted it to my locked Instagram account:
It was called sexually provocative, which left me very confused as I never knew ugly women could be sexually provocative, and I was also at a loss as to how else I was supposed to shop my teeth matched my fingers. Very confusing!
So now I’m ashamed. Apparently even though I’m ugly I can be accidentally sexually provocative, so I have that to deal with along with being embarrassed that I’ve done this to my body plus being embarrassed that people think I’ve done this to my body in order to look better.
I don’t believe I will or even can look better, but is it really your place to tell me how ugly I am now?
This is a very venty post and I fully understand if you think I’m too weird to be friends with now, especially since you now know my mental state with regards to my appearance,
And yet I remain,
The Pretty Kitty.