This post has a trigger warning for talk of suicide and suicide methods, and for poor treatment by medical professionals of persons with mental health conditions and undiagnosed illness.
For the second time in posting to this blog, if you are my mum, I need you to stop reading this one now and go have a cup of tea instead. Now. Shoo!
For everyone who’s not my mum, this is the story of when I couldn’t take my then-undiagnosed body pain anymore and decided my only choice was to die. I was 18 years old. I was sick of my father yelling at me, calling me lazy, calling me a liar. I was sick of people cutting contact with me because they thought I didn’t care about them when I cancelled plans. I locked myself in the bathroom and took every anti-depressant I had, and I’d just filled the script. I’m not sure what happened in the middle, but Mum called an ambulance. The paramedic had me sit up in the back and talk to her. I was crying. I told her I just wanted the pain to stop – the physical body pain, and the pain of not being believed.
Later, at the hospital, a doctor I’d obviously never seen before came to speak to me. Her opening line to me was, “Why do you feel the need to imagine you’re in pain?” I started to cry again. I was now sad and angry. “I’m not imagining. I want it to stop. I just want the pain to stop!” Then this doctor put her hand on my shoulder like we were friends, “I have read through your medical records. You have had all manner of tests and scans at this hospital and they have shown nothing wrong. You are obviously imagining you are in pain. I will discharge you today on the condition you agree to see a psychiatrist to help you stop imagining you are in pain when you obviously aren’t.”
The psychiatrist sent me to my GP, requesting more extensive tests as the cause for my very real and not imagined pain must be found. That psychiatrist gave me the little bit of hope I carried that I would be believed and an answer would be found. I finally got my fibromyalgia diagnosis six years later.
Signed with hope,
The Pretty Kitty