I am the Queen of disjointed thinking. I like your hat! :-D

Posts tagged ‘love’

Whatever am I Doing with this Canvas!?

DSCF1111

Well, obviously right now I’m wearing it, but I mean long term.

I’m entering an art comp. I figure 20 years of believing that my art is not as good as anyone else’s art is enough, and I’m entering an art comp.

I’ve always been especially hard on myself, even as a preschooler, but when I was eight years old it got really bad. When I was eight years old, with the help of my peers I decided I was ugly, worthless and stupid. I decided everyone must be right about my terrible art.

Well, now I’ve decided that my “terrible” art is just as worthy as anyone else’s “terrible” art, and I’ve also decided that all art is good. I work with children; how can I tell them that all art is good because it uses creativity and then not live by that rule myself? Ethically, I can’t, so I’m entering an art comp.

The competition closes in May next year, but I’m already making a start, gathering materials. I’ll be posting all future updates about my new project on my Patreon page for my supporters to see. If you’re interested in watching the story unfold, you can support me over on Patreon for anything from $1 (US)/month. All contributions will go towards art supplies and the entry fee for the comp. If you can’t or don’t want to support the project, that’s fine too and I’ll be sure to post the finished product here on the blog for everyone to see!

Always follow your dreams!

Signed with love,

The Pretty Kitty.

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Best Corgi Ever

The best corgi ever was Stanley.  His middle name was Borris, but I’m not sure dogs know their middle names.  Stanley passed from this life only yesterday.  He was about thirteen years old, but we don’t know for sure.  We never knew Stanley as a puppy.

Stanley was a foundling, until he was found by our other beautiful dog, Rozzy (Rozaline Rosalea, actually).  Before the problem was amended, Our Roz would take herself for walks, usually by way of jumping the fence (now much higher), which was the cause of much anguish.  One day Our Roz came home with a skinny, dirty, smelly friend.  Her friend was nervous but friendly.  He was obviously hungry, and so we gave him some food.  An obviously pure-bred corgi, we were certain someone would be missing him very much. We cleaned him up, took him to be checked out by the vet and set about finding his family in every way possible.

One week, two weeks, three weeks.  Nobody claimed this beautiful animal, and so he became our companion, our family.

I haven’t met many corgis; just the one, actually.  So how do I know he’s the best corgi ever?  Well, the facts are simple:

  • When he wagged his tail, he wagged his body in the opposite direction, to make sure you could see the wagging.  He knew he didn’t have much tail.
  • When you threw a toy for him, he would only bring it 3/4 of the way back.  He would throw it the rest of the way, so he could get a head start on the next run.
  • He knew each of our cats by name and would round them up to help bring them inside at night, only collecting the appropriate cat (I promise the cats were fine with this.  They loved him too).
  • He’s mine, and I’m his.  Always present tense.

My eyes remember his happy face.

My fingers remember being completely hidden in his big, thick mane.  When I think of him, my fingers tingle.

My arms remember brushing him for hours and still pulling loose hair off him, until the dog and the pile were about the same size.

My body remembers running and playing with him, rolling about with him like a dog would.

My face remembers being pressed against his sleeping chest, to hear him breathe and hear his heartbeat.

My brain remembers knowing I’m safe from anything and everything if he is near me.

My heart remembers comfort and sympathetic eyes when I am sad, someone to talk to who will not judge and him lying outside my bedroom door all night because it was the closest he could get to me (I couldn’t have him in my bedroom, due to the nature of the set up.  He would have been locked in and he only had a tiny bladder…)

I have loved a lot of dogs; some mine, some of family, some of friends.  I can’t honestly say I’ve loved any of these dogs more than any of the others, but always differently to each other, as they are very different people (yes, people!).  I can say there was never a Stanley before, and there will never be a Stanley again.

I love you, Stanley.

I send love to each heart of each eye to read these words.  Thank you for sitting with me for a while as I cry and remember.

The Pretty Kitty.

Can you tell me the difference between love and pain?

I won’t give you details.  I won’t tell you deeply about my past loves.  I won’t give you details here about my first boyfriend who dated me to make a friend jealous, and was then arrested for armed robbery.  I won’t tell you about my next boyfriend, who became my fiance and was so angry at me for being raped while we were together that he hit me, called me a slut and refused to pay back money he owed me.  That’s all my ex boyfriends.  That’s all my experience with relationships.  I know it’s not much, but it was plenty enough to teach me I’ll never actually be wanted.
I never felt that I was truly in love with either of them, but I told everyone I was.  I was supposed to be in love; that’s what’s normal.  It’s not normal for someone to be my age, and have had no romantic relationships, so in a desperate bid to be normal, I said I loved the men who said they loved me.
It’s been years since my fiance left me, and I’ve been alone since then.
I’ve actually felt love.  I’ve felt so much love for two people since then.  I’ve felt that my heart is on fire with joy when they speak to me; I’ve felt that all I want in life is their happiness.  I’ve felt if they were cold to me I may actually shrivel and die.
The first one was over a year ago.  That ended badly.  I told that person how I felt, and was not let down at all gently.  I felt my heart break… well, I felt difficulty swallowing, shallow breathing and chest pain, emotionally felt my life draining away and had no desire to eat for over a week.  Felt a bit heart-breaky, really.
I feel so much love again, now.  It’s mixed up with that same heart-breaky feeling.  Absolutely literally pining, and if you know me you’ll know I don’t take the word “literally” lightly.  If you don’t know me, I just told you, so now you know as well.
I feel sick.
Let me try to explain how I feel here.  I flirt a lot.  With everyone.  It’s just what I do.  If I don’t flirt with you it’s either because I hate you or we’re related by blood or both, but now I feel bad for flirting with people who aren’t him.  I feel sort of heavy inside, check myself, and try to stop without seeming cold or unlike myself.
He’s on my mind all the time.  I feel light and heavy inside, at the same time, every time I hear from him.

When is love, love?  First touch?  First kiss?  First conversation?  First time you look into their eyes?  Is it real love if when they talk romantically about someone else, you feel your heart break, but you just want them to be happy and have all the love and rainbows and sunshine in the world, even if they don’t want it from you?
(I’m trying to approach this from an angle of humour, let me know if I accidentally touch anything remotely like a joke…)

Good God I feel broken!  Not just my heart, but my spirit.  I feel there’s pieces missing that will never be put back.
I’ve been crying pretty constantly for a few hours.  Had a small coughing fit and realised I was sort of drowning in my own tears just a little bit, there.  Elected to stop crying.  Plan failed.  Cried til I ran out of tears, instead.

Probably not normal.

I will never be a grown up, will I?  I’ll forever be the fifteen year old girl I never really got a chance to be.  As long as I am sore I will be petty.
I fully expect this to achieve nothing.  I’m at peace with dying alone and being eaten by my cats, and frankly good on the cats, keeping themselves alive!

I feel a little better now.  Still heavy and broken inside, and still torn apart by love, but better.  If you read this far, well done, you!

Signed with love overflowing,

The Pretty Kitty