I am the Queen of disjointed thinking. I like your hat! :-D

Firstly, if you’re my mum, I need you to stop reading this one because it will make you sad and there’s nothing you can do. Go have a nice cup of tea instead. You know I’ll know if you read it, so just go have a tea. Thank you. x

For the rest of you that aren’t my mum, this story has a trigger warning for emotional abuse, emotional manipulation and body dysmorphia.

Many years ago, I was living in a storage space under a friend’s house and paying rent for the privilege, even though I couldn’t even lock the door behind me when I went out, so anyone that got in the backyard could go in my “room”. But this story isn’t about that, it just takes place there. I was living there with my then fiance. Sometimes he would very gently stroke my face for a while. If felt so nice, that sometimes I would almost fall asleep. One day, he was stroking my face when he suddenly stopped. “Wow!” he exclaimed. I opened one eye, “What? What’s wow?” I asked.

“You would be beautiful if you got those acne scars removed.” he said. I rolled over. I didn’t want him stroking my face anymore.

About a week later, he was stroking my face when he “wow”ed again. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. “What?” I asked, half asleep. he put his finger on my eyebrow and gently lifted it up, “You would be beautiful if you got this extra skin removed from your eyelid.” I got up and went for a walk, even though I was alone and it was dark. I prefered it to being there.

The next time he was stroking my face and “wow”ed, I shut my eyes tightly, afraid of the next thing he’d say, “You’d be beautiful if you got your nose straightened up!” I just pretended I hadn’t heard.

One night, he came home from work very late, sat on the bed beside me, reached over and started gently stroking my face. “You know,” he began, “you’d be beautiful if you got your teeth fixed up.” I pretended to be asleep as tears slowly made their way out of my eyes and into my ears.

Now? I hate everything about my face. I already hated it, and then somebody meant to love me told me everything that’s wrong with it. It’s been seven years and I still have trouble looking in the mirror.

My least favourite thing is, I did get my teeth fixed (they were so bad I couldn’t chew my food properly, so it was a health decision). I hate that I got my teeth fixed because now there’s part of me that he would find beautiful, and the thought of him finding me beautiful makes me feel sick.

I was thinking about all this when I woke up this morning, so I thought I’d get it out in case someone has had a simillar experience and needs to know they’re not alone.

Letter to the world signed with all the love I can muster,

The Pretty Kitty.

Let’s play a fun game:

It’s the renaissance, you’re rich and powerful and I’m a dirty, smelly artist. You can throw me a few coins for food and art supplies, and in exchange I will make beautiful works of art! Some of the art I make will be for the whole world, but some will be especially for you! Yes, you!

Does that sound like a fun game? If it does, pop over to my Patreon page and become my patron, just like in ye olde days. You can show off how kind you are and give me $100 per artwork, or you can cap your kindness at as little as $1 per month, so even if I post 60 pieces in a month, you still only give me $1 for the whole lot. Sometimes I will even surprise you with a present in your email inbox, or even in your real-life mailbox so we can play another game where we pretend it’s the ’90s. Yay!

Anyow, think about it, get back to me, give me $1.

Signed with great affection,

The Pretty Kitty.

DSCF1111

Well, obviously right now I’m wearing it, but I mean long term.

I’m entering an art comp. I figure 20 years of believing that my art is not as good as anyone else’s art is enough, and I’m entering an art comp.

I’ve always been especially hard on myself, even as a preschooler, but when I was eight years old it got really bad. When I was eight years old, with the help of my peers I decided I was ugly, worthless and stupid. I decided everyone must be right about my terrible art.

Well, now I’ve decided that my “terrible” art is just as worthy as anyone else’s “terrible” art, and I’ve also decided that all art is good. I work with children; how can I tell them that all art is good because it uses creativity and then not live by that rule myself? Ethically, I can’t, so I’m entering an art comp.

The competition closes in May next year, but I’m already making a start, gathering materials. I’ll be posting all future updates about my new project on my Patreon page for my supporters to see. If you’re interested in watching the story unfold, you can support me over on Patreon for anything from $1 (US)/month. All contributions will go towards art supplies and the entry fee for the comp. If you can’t or don’t want to support the project, that’s fine too and I’ll be sure to post the finished product here on the blog for everyone to see!

Always follow your dreams!

Signed with love,

The Pretty Kitty.

I am writing this post because last night, someone on my Facebook that calls themself an “LGBT ally” posted which was incredibly disparaging of a trans woman and not only said there’s nothing brave about coming out as trans but also implied she is just a man in a dress.

Here’s the truth: all trans women are women, all trans men are men. Some people in the trans community are neither men nor women, some are both men and women. All of these identities (and others which I don’t feel I know enough about to post any comment) are real identities. These are real people and they are all so, so brave!

Some people are so afraid to come out, they are trapped by depression and anxiety. These people may never come out as trans. They’ve seen what happens to others. These trans people are still brave. They are brave when people say negative things about trans people and they hold back tears. They are brave when LGB”T” allies don’t seem to realise what the T stands for and they gently remind them without starting a fight. They are brave.

Some trans people come out and are so lost and frightened, so trapped by depression and anxiety which is fed by a lack of support from the people they love most, the people they thought loved them, too. Some of these people battle through the storm. These people are so very brave. Some of these people can’t go on, they die from depression. They’re brave too.

Some “allies” say they support post-op trans people, because they’re now “real” men and women. That is not support. What if a trans person doesn’t experience body dysmorphia? They should be forced to undergo surgery that will make them unhappy before you accept them? That is not support, and you are part of the problem.

Here’s a fact: You have no way of knowing how many trans people you know in real life or online. There is no way to tell by looking at a person if they are trans. It’s not ok to ask a person you think might be trans if they are. When you post cruel and insensitive things about trans people online, or say them in person, even if you’re “joking”, you are part of the problem. You are contributing to the depression and anxiety of trans people. Some of these people may be your friends, you may not know they are trans. There is a good chance you know at least one trans person. If you call yourself an ally, and trans people think they can feel safe around you, you probably know more.

Please think before you tell these people their struggles aren’t real. There is more than one kind of bravery.

Signed with love and hope,

The Pretty Kitty.

This is not a post so much as a ramble. It’s a list of things people have said to me during my life which they genuinely thought would be helpful for me to help manage chronic pain or stop being in pain at them, sometimes I’m not sure which. These will not be in any real order, except the order I remember them, and most of them are from before my diagnosis with fibromyalgia.

  • Maybe it’s just old age. I know you’re only twenty but some bodies are just meant to wear out before others. Maybe you’re just dying soon.
  • You just need to stop eating white bread. White bread is poison for the body and the day after you stop eating it you won’t have any more pain. [I tried this for three months. Nope]
  • Just drink more water, you’re probably dehydrated.
  • You just need to relax more.
  • Just say an affirmation three times a day that you have no pain and you won’t be in pain anymore. If it doesn’t work, it’s because you don’t have enough faith. [I tried this for three months, too. I obviously wasn’t desperate enough to not hurt all over all the time]
  • Do you pray? Do you pray to Jesus? Jesus won’t let any of His children suffer. Go to Him!
  • Wow! If you’re in this much pain at nineteen, imagine how bad it will be when you’re forty! [Thanks. I don’t already think about this every waking second. Handy reminder!]
  • Maybe if you stop walking funny your legs will stop hurting. [But I only “walk funny” because my…] Have you tried walking normal?
  • Give up sugar. Even fruit sugar. Absolutely no potatoes or tomatoes. [I stuck with this one until I got so skinny I started losing clumps of hair, and my body pain was actually much worse without a little fat on me]
  • Your hand hurts when you write because you hold your pencil wrong. [No, I can’t hold a pencil properly because my hand hurts] It wouldn’t hurt anymore if you held your pencil correctly. [But my hand has hurt since way before I ever held a pencil, and it’s both hands and…] Just hold your pencil properly and the pain will go away.
  • ICE BATHS! EVERY DAY! [No.]
  • Why don’t you do something about it if you’re in so much pain? [Gee, I never thought of that. Thanks…]
  • You need to stop imagining you’re in pain. If you stop imagining it, the pain will go away.
  • Why do you lie to doctors and nurses? If you were really in pain you’d have a diagnosis by now. [Not actually advice, I know. I had to cop that one more than once, though]
  • Try giving up tea.
  • It sounds like what my cousin’s daughter had. She’s dead now.
  • Try giving up cola. Cola is really bad for you, it can clean a barbecue! [I have maybe one glass of cola a year at the most, but thanks person I’d never met before]
  • You need to play more sport, then your body will get used to it and it won’t hurt when you play sport.
  • Just take some Nurofen every day when you wake up, even before breakfast. I’ve been doing that since I was about fourteen and I’m never in any pain. [Were you in pain before you started doing that?] No. Why do you ask?
  • CAPSICUM! EVERY DAY! [Should I eat it in my ice bath?]
  • You poor thing! Do you think it’s from the vaccinations you got when you were a baby? [After invading my privacy to ask why I’m not taking the stairs when I’m “obviously young and healthy’]

This is just a sample. My age when I was told these things was eight to current day. Please activate brain before mouth, people of Earth.

Signed with love and a healthy dose of laughter,

The Pretty Kitty.

Story Time!

I know I haven’t written in a while, but I have been creating!  Here’s a little proof.  I hope you enjoy these little videos, they were fun to make.🙂

Lots of love,

Pretty Kitty x